Never known
by mhabear
Summary: Nell gets a letter she had never expected that offers clarity in moments of sadness. This is a Neric centric fic that is a bit more deep and, to be honest, more depressing than my last. I'd really appreciate if you would read and review and constructive criticism is appreciated.


She stared at the envelope sitting on the table. It seemed to be challenging her to open it but she wasn't sure if she was ready, not yet.

Taking in a deep breath she stretched out a shaking hand and picked it up, opening it.

_A week earlier_

_"Hi Eric, Hetty needs you in OPS now!" She called down the stairs of the mission and laughed as Eric visibly leapt out of his seat at the sound of their ninja boss's name._

_He ran up the stairs and casually rested his hand on her back to lead her into OPS. It had become more natural for them of late to casually cross the self imposed barrier of personal space to touch an arm comfortingly, ruffle hair affectionately or even to hug after a particularly long day. Their relationship was slowly morphing, into what Nell wasn't sure._

_"Wonder what this is about? Maybe she wants to congratulate us on the hacking we did for the last case?" Eric puzzled._

_"Since when has Hetty ever felt the need to validate our egos for doing our jobs?"_

_"Good point."_

_They entered the OPS centre and Hetty looked at them, a frown upon her face. She gestured at the pair to approach and nodded to Callen who began a standard mission briefing,_

_Nell was zoning out a little bit, admittedly due to the fact that Eric was standing so close to her that she could smell his cologne, when she heard Hetty mention his name._

_"That is why it is believed that we need Mr Beale to go undercover. We need someone on site to do the hack."_

_"Wait a second," Nell interrupted, "Why can't we just have a trained agent go in and do the hack with Eric coaching them through the ear pieces?"_

_Hetty turned to face her and replied "It will be an extremely complex hack Miss Jones. We would need an expert on site and lives are at stake."_

_Eric looked at her with a hurt expression and whispered "Do you think I can't do it? I can handle this Nell. I'm not incompetent... just because I don't run around waving a gun doesn't... just because I work with computers... I can do this."_

_"I'm not questioning your competence Eric," Nell replied equally quietly, "Of course I believe in you, I just worry because you are my partner and...well... I care about you... Your welfare, I mean."_

_Eric, confused, looked away from Nell and spoke directly to Hetty, "I'm in Hetty, whatever I can do to help."_

_Hetty nodded and the briefing continued with Nell staring apprehensively at Eric._

The letter was handwritten, obviously not the first draft, and several smudges obscured characters at the beginning yet the contents were still legible. She looked sadly at the framed photograph on her desk before once again examining the letter she now held in her hand.

_Two days ago_

_"I thought this might suit you" Nell said as she cautiously passed a tie through the curtain to Eric as he changed into his undercover wardrobe._

_"Thanks, right I'll be ready in a few..." Eric tailed off as he exited the changing cubicle wearing a sharp suit and a half completed tie._

_"Do you need a hand with that?" Nell asked teasingly, pointing at the mess around his neck._

_Eric nodded his head and Nell stepped closer to him, probably closer than needs be, and picked up the ends in her hand untying and smoothing them efficiently before reaching around his neck to straighten his collar. It was just then that she noticed the scarlet tinge of Eric's ears and realised how intimate their situation currently was. She made a show of bringing her body closer to his to slowly knot his tie before stroking her hands across his chest in a façade of smoothing the tie. It amused to see how much these simple actions made him blush and she chuckled to herself before drawing back and admiring her handiwork._

_"Thanks... I mean that looks great Nell... I do actually know how to tie a... its just I don't tend to wear..." Eric awkwardly stuttered whilst gesturing to his outfit._

_"You look good Eric. You'll do well."_

_Eric smiled, a blindingly bright happy smile that lit up his entire face, before he suddenly looked concerned._

_"I'm not sure that I can manage undercover work, what if I can't handle it?" he asked turning to face himself in the mirror._

_"You will manage, I believe in you Eric. You can do anything if you put your mind to it."_

_"Thanks again Nell, for everything."_

_She smiled and turned away._

They looked so happy in that photograph, taken on some co-worker's birthday. They had their arms around each other and were smiling their secret smiles which had promised so much and delivered so little. Yet no happiness can last forever.

_Two days ago_

_The last words she had heard him say before the gunshots blocked out any words were panicked and not profound in any way._

_"I think someone is coming. Should I go, or finish the hack? Is Sam here or... Oh my God... What is...?" Nell heard him say before sounds of gunshots ricochet around the OPS centre._

_Hetty couldn't move fast enough to alert Sam and Callen of this new development whereas Nell stood stock still, in shock, repeatedly yelling his name into her headset. Desperate. Hoping against hope._

_"Eric! Eric please respond! Beale talk to me! Are you still there? Eric!" She screamed eventually dissolving into tears._

_Hetty spoke calmly down the phone to the team, keeping it together so that everything wouldn't fall to pieces, before turning to Nell._

_"You will need to phone an ambulance. I'm sorry Nell but Mr Beale has been shot. It doesn't look good."_

The letter had been given to Nell by Hetty who had found it amongst Eric's things after the funeral in a simple envelope addressed to Nell.

She didn't know she hadn't read it sooner. Maybe she was scared of what it would contain or that it would disappoint her in its lack of closure. He had only been gone for two days and she already missed him. She felt as if a part of her, an essential part, was now missing and holding out on reading his letter was somehow keeping him alive. But it was time. She wasn't ready but she probably wouldn't ever be.

_To Nell,_

_You probably will never read this because I will probably never give it to you._

_I'm not brave enough to tell you this so I thought that maybe writing it down would help._

_Maybe I'll slip this letter to you, wordlessly, then run from the room because I'll be too scared to face your reaction._

_The truth is that you are important to me. Not just as my best friend, or even as my partner, but because I think you are amazing. You have always amazed me with your intelligence (you'll probably never tell me your IQ) and your sense of humour and how you just seem to understand me and help me and mock me all at once._

_And I think you are beautiful._

_There, I said it. I am crazy about you and we definitely have an indefinable 'something' so... maybe this could work._

_I don't know how you feel but I know how I feel. I'm in love with you and I have been for a long time and I'll probably never stop._

_I'm sorry if this screws up our friendship but, if you ever read this, maybe you could think about it?_

_All I'm asking is one date. You don't have to feel obliged to come but we could go out to dinner or stay in and play video games or whatever you want._

_So I think that's all. If you haven't run scared by now (I know you have a thing about commitments and the r-word) I'll take it as a good sign._

_Love, Eric._

Nell stared at the letter, at the heartfelt message, the honesty and realised that she had missed out. Missed out on the possibility of something real and magical with him all because they had both been too scared to take the risk.

Now he was gone.

And he had loved her.

And she had loved him.

And he had never known.


End file.
